lundi 27 avril 2009

Le Curé & L'Archevêque

Un jeune curé, très angoissé, nouvellement nommé, se retrouve incapable de prononcer un seul mot le jour de son premier sermon. Le lendemain il va voir l'archevêque et lui demande quelques conseils pour être à la hauteur au sermon du dimanche suivant. L'archevêque lui conseille de se verser quelques gouttes de vodka dans un grand verre pour se sentir plus détendu.

Le dimanche suivant, le jeune prêtre suit le conseil et parvient à parler sans trac ni crainte d'aucune sorte.

L'office terminé, il retourne à la sacristie, il trouve une lettre laissée par l'archevêque, ainsi rédigée :

"Mon Fils,

La prochaine fois, mettez quelques gouttes de vodka dans un grand verre d'eau et non quelques gouttes d'eau dans la bouteille de vodka. D'autre part, je tiens à vous faire part des quelques observations suivantes, afin que vous amélioriez encore un peu vos prochains prônes.

1) il n'est nul besoin de mettre une rondelle de citron sur le bord du calice.
2) évitez de vous appuyer sur la vierge et surtout évitez de l'embrasser en la serrant étroitement dans vos bras.
3) il y a 10 commandements et non pas 12.
4) les apôtres étaient 12 et non pas 7, de plus aucun n'était nain.
5) nous ne parlons pas de Jésus Christ et ses apôtres comme de "JC & Co".
6 ) nous ne nous référons pas à Judas comme à "ce fils de pute".
7) vous ne devez pas parlez du Pape en disant "Le Parrain".
8) Ben Laden n'a rien à voir avec la mort de Jésus.
9) les murailles qui se sont effondrées au septième jour ne se trouvaient pas à Mexico mais à Jéricho.
10) l'eau bénite est faite pour bénir et non pour se rafraîchir la nuque.
11) ne célébrez jamais la messe assis sur les marches de l'autel.
12) Ponce Pilate a dit "vos histoires je m'en lave les mains" et non "vos conneries, je m'en bats les couilles"
13) les hosties ne sont pas des gâteaux à apéritif à consommer avec le vin de messe.
14) les pêcheurs iront en enfer et non "se faire enculer chez les Papous".
15) l'initiative d'appeler les fidèles à danser était bonne, mais pas faire la chenille dans l'église
16) l'homme assis près de l'autel et que vous avez qualifié de "vieux pédé" et de "travelo en jupe" c'était moi.

Sincèrement l'Archevêque.

PS. Jésus n'a pas été fusillé, mais crucifié."

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